The subtle art of writing about Black people

In your title, start with words like “first,” “Black,” “Black woman,” “person of colour.” Don’t forget to mention how “representation matters.” Go on to write that they are the “first” in their family or generation to “complete” school. Ask the family for a group interview, to find out about “life” at the “Jones family.”

In your text, write as though “black people” are serial underachievers and name a few notable ones. MLK, Malcolm X, Mandela. Intentionally forget all the women except if they were the first “founder,” “senator,” “politician” or “entrepreneur.” Remember, only Black achievers deserve the spotlight.

Remember to use hyphens while explaining “Black people’s” identities. Don’t add “Canadian” or “American,” just state that they are from somewhere “far” and “remote” so everyone will know that they are not from here. If they win a major award or speak at an event, consider naming a building or creating a scholarship after them. How else could you inspire future generations?

Don’t forget to share your personal stories of how “fun,” “entertaining” and “positive” Black people are. Tell your friends that “in another life, you would have chosen to be ‘black'” but ask them to not share about racism. If you do, ask them to be the “expert” on race or share their personal and lived experiences for free. Isn’t that how we “move” the conversation forward?

If you hire a “black” person, call them the “first” this or that – and don’t forget to announce your new hire in public. Also, ask them to tame their “vibrant” personality and “tone down” on their hairstyles. Remember, it’s part of company policy. Don’t ask them what they need to succeed. Just trust their will and grit – they have overcome worse odds.

One week on the job, ask the “black” person to lead a diversity project and don’t offer them the option to say “No.” Ask them politely that there is no one else to do the job. It was a call made in heaven and no one else would be entrusted with this “important” work. Remember, their impressive life story and fierce strength make them the candidate to succeed on this job.

If they dare say “No,” use the N-word, but with a low voice that no one hears. If not, just curse them (in your heart) for being ungrateful. But if you meet them in the hallway, smile awkwardly and ask them what they do for fun – presuming they must be good dancers – I mean, who isn’t? By the way, don’t tell them, you’ve been dying to latch onto their coily hair.

If you hear of the tragedy in the “Black community,” ask them if they’ve heard about it. Why shouldn’t they know? You are the informant, right? Don’t ask them how they feel, this is about you, remember? If they dare say, they feel scared to shop at Walmart or walk alone at night, tell them you do it all the time and it’s harmless. “This city is safe,” you tell them.

If you are walking home alone or at night and you face a Black person on a sidewalk, change course. That is if you can’t run. If you can’t see a pedestrian crossing, you must jaywalk. If not, turn around and go home like you forgot something important. Jaywalking may be illegal but what’s more terrifying than facing a friendly Black or brown face.

If you make it past the Black person somehow, look back like it was your old friend – flying into the abyss. Don’t forget to tell your friends about this “weird” encounter and make sure you influence how they think. Say things like Black people are “scary,” “loud,” “angry,” “dirty” among others. Make sure to leave a vivid impression. At best, make sure Black people remain misunderstood. At worst, it’s all their fault anyway.

Ivan Okello is a Ugandan immigrant living in Moncton, New Brunswick and is passionate about building inclusive culture and community among diverse people.